Charity in Marriage

This week’s studies covered lots of things like how to overcome gridlock, charity, and having a change of heart.
What is gridlock?
(Photo Credit:  Wikipedia)
 “To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (Gottman, 2015). Gottman discusses how there will always be issues that are perpetual throughout your marriage. Some examples would be that one spouse wants to live a life full of travel and fun, while the other spouse wants to live a life of security, with lots of money in the bank for the “what ifs?” in life. If they can get to the reason why they feel the way they do, it’s easier to compromise. Maybe the adventurer spouse was brought up never getting to go anywhere and the saver lived in a home where they were worried about losing their home. The backstory makes the difference. Then they can discuss and compromise. “We can set aside xx% of our paychecks to be saved for a trip to Europe, as long as we’re also adding xx% to our savings.”
While I was reading “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” this week, there was so much I related to, and I’m not even married! This last week I’ve had some interesting conversations with a couple single men. They’ve talked about dating and the hardships of finding a spouse. It really sounded like they were looking for someone that was going to be perfect and their marriage was going to be perfect and life was going to be wonderful, so that’s why it takes so long to find the one. These are men in their upper 30s/early 40s. In each conversation, I made the point that it’s not ever going to be perfect. It didn’t seem like they believed me.
That is where charity comes in. Goddard says, “At some point in your marriage, like me, you have probably enjoyed at least 80% of your spouse’s traits. Even then, there is that bedeviling 20% that will annoy us” (Goddard, 2009). Instead of focusing on that 20% and trying to fix it, we should be charitable, and look past it. “As Wendy Watson observed, ‘the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other. … An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend’” (Goddard, 2009). Look for the good!
The marriages that I’ve observed that seem the happiest are those that you can see that they love each other and that they can laugh with each other about each other’s flaws. They aren’t mean to each other. They don’t complain to their buddies or girl friends about their spouse. Now, I’m sure that they’re not perfectly happy all of the time, but they work together, just the two of them and the Lord, to get through things. “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper. … Satan knows that healing human souls is something we humans always do poorly. That is why the devil wants us to be mate-fixing do-it-yourselfers. This is a keen irony in our dilemma. We cannot even fix ourselves! But we can make ourselves humble. We can recognize our dependence on God for all that we have and are” (Goddard, 2009). Choose to include Him in your marriage and choose to have charity towards your spouse. Life will be so much better when you add those two aspects to your marriage!
References
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

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