Turning Toward One Another

I love the topic of study for this week! It’s “staying emotionally connected.”  I think this is such an important topic! Have you ever talked to a couple that recently are empty-nesters? We’ve all seen movies where the wife is all of a sudden worried, because they don’t know if they are going to like being “just a couple” after the time of raising a family.

In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman stresses the importance turning toward each other. He talks about how people think that going on a two week vacation to the Bahamas is enough to strengthen, or even save, a marriage. It’s actually the little things that are going to matter in the long run. “It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life” (Gottman, 2015).

He said that there are two obstacles to turning toward your spouse. One is “’missing’ a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotions” and the second is “being distracted by the wired world” (Gottman, 2015). The first one is when one partner is making a bid for a connection, but it may be disguised in a negative comment, like “it would never occur to you to clear the table, would it?” (Gottman, 2015). What is she really trying to say? Take a step back, and subtract the negative tone she used, what is she asking for? Maybe she wants to spend time with you working on something.

The second obstacle is all to familiar with all of us. This is a challenge to being “present” where you are. It’s seen in my two-year old niece, that’s like Pavlov’s dog, “Aunt Pyper is here, I need her phone.” She needs to “color” on my phone! It’s seen in my seminary students that can’t stand to have their phones on their desk for more than a couple of minutes, whether they’re checking their social media, playing games, or watching videos- (Drives me nuts!), they are addicted. The second you say something about addictions, and maybe people are addicted to their phones, they blush and put their phones down for a few seconds. Or there’s another example in myself, if I’m in a situation that’s uncomfortable, I pull out my phone, and that distraction eases my anxiety. Not always do people use their phones to maliciously get out of a conversation, it’s just habit, but it gets in the way of turning toward your spouse.

One way of turning toward your spouse is just listening. Don’t listen to fix, just listen. An idea that Dr. Gottman shared is that you have a daily time set aside to vent about your day. Don’t talk about things that may be stressing you about your relationship, just talk about your day. Take turns venting, validate each other, show your spouse that you are on their side (Gottman, 2015). What a unifying idea!

My brother and I were talking the other day about someone that hadn’t had very good involvements in a regular event, we participate in. He said it’s so sad that this person, being as matured as she is never had a positive experience. She needed to make an effort to have that positive experience. That’s what turning towards each other is. You each need to make the effort, and when you put in that effort, our Heavenly Father will make it count and increase the results.

Works Cited
Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.