Hot Topics in Marriage!

This semester we’ve talked about types of relationships, how to turn towards one another, and how to build better marriages. This week we included in-law relations and finances. Two, sometimes, very hot topics! The meshing of two people together, coming from completely different backgrounds is hard! Discussing how you are going to proceed in your marriage in relationship to in-laws and finances is important!

I hate discussing finances! I tend to not like to talk about things that I don’t feel very educated about. I’m sure that’s not too unusual. I remember growing up, I knew that my Grandpa Dan paid cash for every car he ever bought! I don’t remember really sitting down with my mom and talking about her finances. I remember one time overhearing her talking to some insurance guy right after my dad died, and whatever number she was talking about seemed really high, and I thought we’d never be able to afford that. But really, I have no idea what she was talking about, I just remember being nervous. So, thinking of sitting down and discussing how we’ll do our finances is terrifying to me. I kind of just want my husband to take care of all of that stuff, but thinking about that, I’d really want to know what’s going on. Communication is key!

A marriage is more likely to succeed when you are on the same page financially. A friend of mine was a single mom with three kids. She worked full-time and was going to school to be able to get a better job. Money was tight. She was blessed to meet a wonderful man and remarry. In her new situation, money wasn’t tight anymore. They talked about how the money belonged to both of them. They were going to discuss every purchase, investment, etc., together. It took a while for her to get used to it belonging to her, as well. Then one day he came home and said he’d invested in something without discussing it. Her feelings were really hurt. He didn’t see anything wrong with it. Once he finally got her to talk about it, he could see where he had gone wrong. Although, it was his money and it wasn’t that much money, she felt like she should be involved in the process. They set up new rules, where they could purchase whatever they wanted under a certain dollar amount, but if it was going to be above that amount, it needed to be discussed as a couple.

Bernard Poduska talks about family rules. “Explicit family rules are expressed verbally or posted on the refrigerator door. … Implicit family rules often have the greatest impact on our lives. Implicit rules are those taught through nonverbal communication and repeated throughout childhood. … Intuitive family rules are also unspoken. But while implicit rules concern more everyday kinds of issues, intuitive rules concern those that are more far reaching. … an implicit rule includes an ‘ledger’ of instinctive obligations that needs to be balanced” (Poduska, 2000). We set up rules in our families, taking from the families we grew up in, and adapting for the new family.

Family rules aren’t just about finances. They could be about how we spend our time with in-laws. How are we going to spend holidays? Rules need to be set to create boundaries. If we have no boundaries as a couple and one or both of us is always running to a parent, we won’t learn how to depend on each other. Respect and love are important in these decisions. It’s important to create your own family traditions. Although we are told to cleave to our spouses, that doesn’t mean that we cut ties to our families. However, we need not discuss issues with our parents rather than our spouse and Heavenly Father.

References

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.