Forgiveness and Consecration in Marriage

This week’s studying in school has been on managing conflict within a marriage and consecrating ourselves. John M. Gottman said that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of “perpetual problems” (Gottman, 2015). That’s quite a bit! Perpetual conflicts could be how to raise your children, what church to attend, how family traditions should be done, etc.

When one spouse wants to make every holiday big and spectacular and the other spouse thinks holidays are lame, how do you deal with that? There are two generalized reactions that happen. Either you both stick to your guns and continue to argue about it, which leads to distancing yourselves from each other; or you compromise. Is this problem worth the distancing?

Gottman came up with a “new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship, it comprises of five steps:
1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger” (Gottman, 2015).

A “start-up” would be the way you begin a conversation. A soft start-up would begin with sentences that begin with “I”. “I feel…”, instead of “You are so…”. Starting a conversation with how you feel, instead of an accusation softens hearts right from the beginning.

I think the fifth step is really important. Bring up whatever is bothering you and don’t let it fester. I’m completely guilty of that. I don’t like conflict, so I don’t say anything. Without me even realizing it, it’s growing inside, until one day I can’t do it anymore and everything explodes out of my mouth like a dam broke. It’s never good and everyone comes out of it with hurt feelings. Just talk it out, don’t keep bringing it up. This is an important time to cognitively make the decision to just let go.
According to dictionary.com, definitions of the word consecrate is “to make or declare sacred; set apart or dedicate to the service of a deity; or to make (something) an object of honor or veneration; hallow; or to devote or dedicate to some purpose” (Unabridge, 2019). Aren’t those wonderful definitions in regards to marriage? Often we think of consecration as giving everything we have to God, which is a wonderful opportunity for us. Think of it as giving all we can to our spouse. “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls” (Goddard, 2009).

Turn to your spouse, consecrate your life to the one you love and remember to resolve those conflicts as quickly as you can.
References
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
Unabridge, D. (2019, 6 19). Dictionary.com (based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary). Retrieved from Dictionary.com: https://www.dictionary.com/browse/consecrate

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