Behaviors that could ruin a marriage, and how to fix them!

This week in school I’ve been studying about behaviors that negatively affect marriage. There are two texts we use in this course. One is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver. The second one is “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships” by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. Obviously, the second book is based on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints beliefs. I would recommend both of them! I’ve just started them and there is so much great information to gain!
As someone who isn’t married and has never been married, I feel unqualified to be telling anyone the best way to be married. However, I’ve seen tons of marriages, and have learned lots of things that I want to implement in my own marriage, if that happens, and lots of things I would never want to be a part of my marriage.
Dr. John Gottman studied married couples for decades. He says, “In fact, I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes” (Gottman, 2015)! Actually, he can trace a good marriage back to a good friendship. “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on deep friendship (Gottman, 2015).
I’ve seen plenty of marriages that get caught up in the blame game. “He drives me crazy…”, “She just needs to give me time to relax before making me do that…”. Gottman said that couples that he’s worked with couples that have let negativity take over so much of their lives, that even looking back at their courtship and wedding, they can’t remember why they ever fell in love with each other. Kyle Benson, an Intentionally Intimate Relationship coach, wrote an article called, “The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science”. “That ‘magic ration’ is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions” (Benson, 2017).
Benson shared five positive interactions to help improve your marriage: “be interested, express affection, demonstrate they matter, intentional appreciation, find opportunities for agreement, and empathize and apologize” (Benson, 2017). Aren’t all five of those examples you want someone to do or have with you? I know that those are things that I crave in relationships. In a dating relationship, when I feel like I’m giving my all, but feel like I don’t matter, that’s when I’m ready to move on, even when it hurts and I don’t want to give up. I question whether this is something that I’m willing to deal with my whole life or if I can see the potential for what we could become. Marriage is so important that more effort needs to go into it. Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “Paul’s message to this new body of Saints was simple and direct: Nothing you do makes much of a difference if you do not have charity. You can speak with tongues, have the gift of prophecy, understand all mysteries, and possess all knowledge; even if you have the faith to move mountains, without charity it won’t profit you at all” (Wirthlin, 2007). Having charity in your marriage is key to success. Love each other.
My mom and dad were only married for nine years, when he passed away. I’ve heard so many stories from family and friends of their wonderful marriage. They always put each other first. When my dad would get mad, he’d be really mad, but immediately he’d be right back apologizing and comforting. They were a team that worked together for everything. Although it was only a short nine years in mortality, they are sealed for eternity. I know that that’s an eternity that they’re both looking forward to with faith and love.
Works Cited
Benson, K. (2017, October 4). The magic relationship ratio, According to Science. Retrieved from The Gottman Relationship Blog: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
Wirthlin, J. B. (2007, October). The great commandment. Retrieved from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng

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