Listening to the Light-Marriage

This semester we’ve talked about types of relationships, how to turn towards one another, and how to build better marriages. This week we included in-law relations and finances. Two, sometimes, very hot topics! The meshing of two people together, coming from completely different backgrounds is hard! Discussing how you are going to proceed in your marriage in relationship to in-laws and finances is important! I hate discussing finances! I tend to not like to talk about things that I don’t feel very educated about. I’m sure that’s not too unusual. I remember growing up, I knew that my Grandpa Dan paid cash for every car he ever bought! I don’t remember really sitting down with my mom and talking about her finances. I remember one time overhearing her talking to some insurance guy right after my dad died, and whatever number she was talking about seemed really high, and I thought we’d never be able to afford that. But really, I have no idea what she was talking about, I just remember

I had some interesting things to study this week in my marriage class. I have really loved reading M. Russell Ballard’s book Counseling with our Councils. I’ve had to read parts of it for a couple different classes, and every time I read from it, I come away with wanting to implement some aspect of it in my life. I have been able to use it in my church calling multiple times this semester. I also read an article called Who is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families, that was given at a BYU Conference on Family Life. Additionally, I also read a talk by Henry B. Eyring that was given in 1998, That We May Be One. I love how all of these materials can help me become a better disciple of Christ and improve my relationships! Adding children to the picture changes everything! Relationships change. Have you ever seen when a child works his parents against the other one? I get caught in this one all the time and I’m not a parent! My nephew will ask me for a popsicle. I tell him he’s got

This week in my Marriage class we have been studying about fidelity and physical intimacy. There was a lot of great reading involved. One that stuck out to me was an article written by Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor at BYU, called “Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think”. It talks of a couple where the wife has a “special” work friend (Matheson, 2009). This stuck out to me, because I had a friend that was my “special” work friend, but we were both single. I could understand how you get to the point of being so close to someone at work. She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. They talked a lot. They knew what was going on at work and it was easy to discuss things. Then it turned into hanging out during breaks and the occasional lunch break. She didn’t see anything wrong with sending him personal emails and text messages outside of work (Matheson, 2009). Is that a form of infidelity? It certainly leads to more. Matheson included some questions to consider when a

This week’s studies covered lots of things like how to overcome gridlock, charity, and having a change of heart. What is gridlock? (Photo Credit:  Wikipedia)  “To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (Gottman, 2015). Gottman discusses how there will always be issues that are perpetual throughout your marriage. Some examples would be that one spouse wants to live a life full of travel and fun, while the other spouse wants to live a life of security, with lots of money in the bank for the “what ifs?” in life. If they can get to the reason why they feel the way they do, it’s easier to compromise. Maybe the adventurer spouse was brought up never g

This week’s studying in school has been on managing conflict within a marriage and consecrating ourselves. John M. Gottman said that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of “perpetual problems” (Gottman, 2015). That’s quite a bit! Perpetual conflicts could be how to raise your children, what church to attend, how family traditions should be done, etc. When one spouse wants to make every holiday big and spectacular and the other spouse thinks holidays are lame, how do you deal with that? There are two generalized reactions that happen. Either you both stick to your guns and continue to argue about it, which leads to distancing yourselves from each other; or you compromise. Is this problem worth the distancing? Gottman came up with a “new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship, it comprises of five steps: 1. Soften your start-up. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3. Soothe yourself and each other. 4. Compromise. 5. Process any grievan

This week our focus has been on pride. What a topic! In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman 4th principle is “Let Your Partner Influence You” (Gottman, 2015). That is an interesting idea that I believe sounds easier than it really is. How many of you think that your way is the only way? Is it hard to let someone else have a say? The funny thing is that often people think that they are letting their significant other influence them. For example, a couple I know of have talked about remodeling their kitchen. They have discussed that it is something that needs to be done. In their twenty-five plus years of marriage the pattern is always the same. They talk about it, decide it needs to be done, then the husband is unsure of how to complete the task, so everything is put on hold, and nothing gets done. If, however, the wife decides to go out and get a bid for the kitchen, then tells the husband the proposed cost, he gives the go ahead, and things get to progress

I love the topic of study for this week! It’s “staying emotionally connected.”  I think this is such an important topic! Have you ever talked to a couple that recently are empty-nesters? We’ve all seen movies where the wife is all of a sudden worried, because they don’t know if they are going to like being “just a couple” after the time of raising a family. In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , John Gottman stresses the importance turning toward each other. He talks about how people think that going on a two week vacation to the Bahamas is enough to strengthen, or even save, a marriage. It’s actually the little things that are going to matter in the long run. “It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life” (Gottman, 2015). He said that there are two obstacles to turning toward your spouse. One is “’missing’ a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotions” and the second is “being distracted b

This week my class has been studying the topic of cherishing your spouse. I can’t think of anything more important than cherishing each other. One of the books I read talked about a couple where the husband was an amazing doctor, and devoted so much of his life to his work, often sleeping at the hospital. When he was home, he didn’t even know the name of their dog. Pretty ridiculous. He was completely disconnected from his family. The wife wanted to surprise him for a holiday meal, and brought their children to the hospital to have a meal together. He was mad and embarrassed. He got a call from a patient, and was very kind to the patient. His wife realized that his negative behavior was only towards her. What a disappointment! This is where the author introduced love maps. “… Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map- my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant informa

This week in school I’ve been studying about behaviors that negatively affect marriage. There are two texts we use in this course. One is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver. The second one is “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships” by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. Obviously, the second book is based on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints beliefs. I would recommend both of them! I’ve just started them and there is so much great information to gain! As someone who isn’t married and has never been married, I feel unqualified to be telling anyone the best way to be married. However, I’ve seen tons of marriages, and have learned lots of things that I want to implement in my own marriage, if that happens, and lots of things I would never want to be a part of my marriage. Dr. John Gottman studied married couples for

In the last couple of weeks I’ve shared thoughts on marriage trends and the fight on traditional marriage. This week’s post is all about eternal marriage. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that marriage performed under proper authority- inside the temple, by a priesthood holder- can last beyond death into the eternities. I’m so grateful for this knowledge! Not only can the marriage be eternal, but the children are eternally bound to their parents. This covenant is made between husband, wife, and the Lord. Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the ‘hireling,’ who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling ‘seeth the wolf coming,’ he ‘leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.’ … Many people today marry as hirelings. And